An empty colorful room
Many things have changed for me: I’ve become a lot busier and a lot less prone to moping around. Still, a part of me wishes someone would occasionally ask why I’ve gone quiet sometimes. No matter — joyful things keep happening, and I can only feel grateful for that.
First things first: I’m in a relationship again. For the wrong reasons, maybe, but with the right person. She has been nothing but kind, and she still is. I started telling her things — a lot of things — and for the first time, it was met with kindness. Of course, I don’t feel completely understood (I suppose that’s normal?), which is why I haven’t been able to open up instinctively yet. Even so, my efforts are met with kindness and a genuine attempt to understand. For the first time, I don’t have to fear that our conversations or feelings won’t connect properly; I can trust that she’ll try just as hard as I do. For the first time, I’m the one being wanted — not as a trophy boyfriend, but as the only person she truly wants to spend time with. She gets so many invitations and chances to seek attention elsewhere, yet she turns them down just to talk to me or be with me a little longer. This feels nice. This is what I always wanted to give someone, too. Is this so bad? I don’t really know… Is it codependency? I’m not sure. But I’m slowly starting to trust that she’ll guard her kindness, keep her secrets close, and save that intimacy just for me — and honestly, that still surprises me. I overthink every possible undesirable outcome, yet right now I can barely imagine her mistreating my trust. I can love her more — so much more. Maybe, eventually…
Besides the obvious (the age difference is pretty big this time), I worry: what if someone comes along who can treat her better, someone who’s ready to be a husband, not just a boyfriend? For the first time, I’m afraid she won’t find someone who appreciates her as much as — or even more than — I do. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Right now, at least, we need each other, and we both know it.
Life has been nothing but busy. I work at a hotel for 8.5 hours, commute for an hour, sometimes hit the gym for 0.5–1 hour, attend university classes for 3 hours, then teach for 2 hours — plus eating, showering, and more commuting. I barely have time to play games or do anything else. Still, I’ll keep going because I can trust that someone will be waiting for me when the day is done. She won’t show up with hidden secrets for me to uncover, and I don’t have to beg or negotiate to feel wanted or to spend time together.
I’ve been exercising less lately, and my belly was starting to show it, but I’m getting it back under control. Speaking of appearance, I’m letting my hair grow out — aiming for a wolf cut, something I was encouraged to try a while back. I did gain some weight from being too busy and prioritizing my partner, but after one good night’s sleep and a couple of eye-opening moments, I’ve managed to regain control and sustain the weight loss these past few days. I realize I really do take positive moments and turn them into motivation.
On the gaming front: I finally finished Baldur’s Gate 3, despite fiction, and I’ve started Where the Water Tastes Like Wine (I think that’s what you meant by “Where the Wind meets”). I’m also planning to get FluxPose for my tracker, a Steam frame for the new headset, and I already got a new phone. The Nothing Phone (3) is pretty great, and so are the CMF earbuds. I still have a bunch of indie games I haven’t even touched. Every now and then I hang out in Furry Hideout, bringing good vibes to people who feel lost or just need something — anything.
With friends, I’ve been more caring lately. It still feels a bit pretentious sometimes, but I’ll keep trying to show them I genuinely want to bring positivity when they feel invisible or down.
Career-wise, I might be moving to Japan next April for an exchange program. If I can find a part-time job or a connection to teach there, that would be ideal. The TESOL certificate I’m working on right now should help too. At the moment I’m juggling three things: university classes, hotel receptionist work, and online teaching. I’m finally at a point where I can buy things without relying on that high-paying Japanese online job.
I finally feel like I’m on the right track to becoming the person I want to be, and that means a lot.
It took me forever to finish writing this. I really need to carve out some time for myself. The good thing is that I actually look forward to a proper night’s sleep now, so I’m going to get my life together.
