No more painting, so I will paint the wall (Completed)
Recent development has been slow, but I’ve made significant discoveries about myself and processed some unfiltered thoughts. This led to a major realization that almost feels foolish: I shouldn’t feel guilty for considering the worst possibilities and outcomes in any situation or with any person. It’s challenging to feel good about myself when my mind prepares me for the worst possible outcome in moments of discomfort or overthinking. While this mindset is helpful in worst-case scenarios, I shouldn’t act to prove these negative thoughts true or false. All this time, I’ve taken steps to protect my heart and trust by allowing my mind to consider the possibility that everyone, including myself, could be the worst kind of person in any situation. Misunderstanding those actions and thoughts, or assuming that I should define who I am to be sinister, is unfair to myself and others. This is something I’ll work on moving forward.
Cognitive dissonance is something I must always avoid, as it has taken so much from me throughout my life. But what happened? Why has my mind become so complicated? Doing the right thing shouldn’t be this hard. I still don’t fully understand what I truly want from the relationship I recently ended. It almost feels unreal, as if I never dated at all—this is concerning. Did I never feel loved in that relationship? Was I too much, or was it just her? These are answers I’ll no longer seek. Ironically, I can now talk to her with less hostility. By letting her go, I’ve allowed her to live her life on her terms. I no longer worry excessively about who she is, what kind of person she’s trying to be, or the dangers she might face by doing things her way. I can now be a kind, non-invasive, and positive friend rather than a worrisome and demanding boyfriend. On a lighter note, I’ve stocked up on a jar of marshmallows!
I’ve made several new friends and established my presence in the communities I frequent. One of them, Florian, is a chill, simple guy who loves heavy-style rave music. He seems to have grown close to another friend, Amora. I hope they find a unique affection for each other. I’ve also grown closer to Manemlp, who’s been helping me record a promotional video for an avatar creator. I’m only providing the time and dance moves, but I hope we can create something decent for the store page.
I started playing—or rather, using—Kinder Words 2. The community isn’t very active, and the server seems to have just a few people. It’s a social game where you don’t meet new people but instead send encouraging words, ask for opinions, and uplift each other. It’s intriguing that this is paid software, yet people use it. What are they searching for? What are their expectations? What are mine? There’s only one way to find out.
Much has been accomplished, and more is on the way. All I can do is tackle each challenge one at a time until I realize how far I’ve come. Until then, I’ll return to a state of focus, but this time with the ability to care for others. I don’t want to lose the trust my friends have in me or the ability to reach out and hold their hands.
