Where should this painting go now?(Completed)

    More than a month has passed, so it’s time for an update. First and foremost, I am employed again at an easygoing workplace. The low pay comes with low expectations and responsibilities, allowing me to make time to pursue goals that enrich my life and shape the future I wish to create. My relationship has reached another turning point, and I need to make a responsible choice that’s right for both my partner and me. Academically, I’ve prioritized an exchange program in Japan and hope to be ready when the opportunity arrives.

    My current job as a small hotel receptionist is quite pleasant, though waking up early has been taking a toll on me. However, I realized that interacting with people in the morning is all I need to stay awake, unless I’ve only slept for an hour or two. This realization has made me question whether I am more extroverted than introverted, so I took a few online personality tests again. Still INFP. The monthly pay is enough for me to live semi-freely if I have a rough plan for my spending beyond essential living expenses. The hotel’s rural location, far from most tourist hotspots, keeps costs dirt cheap, and the accommodations are more than decent for the price. Thus, the customers are usually either repeat or reasonable guests who don’t mind slight inconveniences, or those drawn by the low price tag. This customer base has also led to a more easygoing and undemanding manager, for which I am very grateful. This job has given me the time and courage to explore a stable lifestyle centered on teaching, a career path I wish to pursue. During this time, I also befriended someone online who knows a thing or two about Vtubing, and I might invest in that as well. It feels like I am building my life with blocks, each coming together slowly. I don’t say this as often as I believe it, but prayers do work in mysterious ways. So much so that I sometimes wonder if your life improves every night I pray for you and my friends.

    I have decided to stop seeking reassurance. I will interact with my partner without overthinking, and if that unintentionally hurts them, it will simply be the natural outcome. Until an unexpected change occurs, I will likely keep her at arm’s length, as it seems she unknowingly enjoys this distance,too. This relationship has helped me fully understand the demons you were fighting and internalize the reasoning behind several quotes and ideas about relationships and self-improvement. Questions I once couldn’t answer clearly, such as “Why do some assume people who stay friends with their ex are bad partners?” or “Why is the loss of trust the end of a relationship?” are now clearer. Although much of what I’ve learned can’t be put into words yet, I know I will emerge from this a better person. I am beginning to understand how much needs to be done and how many questions must be asked to comfort someone who may doubt me again, leaving no room for lies.

    I had an interview for online teaching, and it seems I was well-equipped for the job, except my available hours are not ideal. I need to work on managing my time to make room for teaching. Recently, an acquaintance asked me to teach her grandson, and I am seriously considering making a living through online teaching alone. Getting a TOEFL certification might not be a bad idea after all.

    I realized now that I have written very little about my friends here, and that should change. I have made a few friends online and deepened my connection with some of them. Caring for them has made me realize how irreplaceable they are to me now, yet I am sure I will lose sight of their significance as time passes. I have also realized that I always wait for the initiated mental intimacy from my friends, never the one initiating. Am I too much of a coward? Is it fair if I share more only after they share with me of them? These questions remain unanswered. I rarely share my personal struggles and ambitions with them, as I can never express myself as openly as they do, being approachable in multiple ways. However, this is who I am, with more visible, apparent layers, not vague about their existence. Thus, sharing updates on my personal life strengthens connections with those I hold dear, as I tend to keep it private.

    Reflecting on my friendships has led me to examine my recent choices and personal growth. As I continue to ponder the choices I have made and who I am now, I have deliberately made some mistakes in recent days to become the person I wished to be. Here I sit now, a little less a boy than I was before, as physical attractions no longer bring me joy. No longer am I enslaved by an immature sense of virtue and purity, but with it, a small part of my former self faded. Am I more pathetic now? Their poor choice of words and strong stance on their opinions were hard to digest, even after months have passed. Alas, I cannot become more than who they see, as the flaws they point out in me are the very reason my words are slightly kinder. Their recent updates brought me, yet again, emotions I thought I once lost. I believe a part of me swore to never let myself be bothered this much by someone, yet this is a choice I made and will probably continue making. Today, I decided to start a different kind of journal, one only I can see, for now. This one, however, has a different purpose. It is to remind me of my emotions and attachments, which I want tucked away until needed again. Will someone else see it one day? Perhaps, but I do hope so.