Time for the glue?(Completed)
I have realized, thanks to recent developments, what kind of person I was and who I wanted to become. I realized how much I longed for genuine connection deep down and how that desire helped me walk out of my past relationship. A more tender, a more simple, a more healthy stressful social circle and relationship. And now, I feel like I am slowly achieving it by becoming another boy in big clothes. We never become adults; we just bear enough responsibility until we look so unrecognizable that we believe we are mature. Perhaps when that begins to feel so natural is the day we fit into the overgrown clothes.
Dissatisfaction still creates space in my brain as I continue to battle the familiarity of this relationship I am having, not because of how we interact with each other, but the compatibility between our core values has been as misaligned as it was when I was with my ex. It is more concerning to find out that my ex has reverted to her old ways, becoming the center of attention of a group of individuals, enticed by her outgoing behavior and suggestive actions. It is clear as day now that I have dodged a bullet, but I was hoping to be the villain in her story as she continues her path toward the happily ever after, like the story books I used to read. I don't like being right with these sorts of things; manifestation of human nature in the worst possible outcome is one of the things I hate the most of this world. Which is one of the reasons for my detestation of myself, despite my inflated ego.
In recent days, I have been unable to make progress on my thoughts and mental development as I continue to survive on four hours of sleep for the past two weeks. Maybe all I needed was myself and my thoughts for a while longer? The constant pursuit to keep myself entertained and busy each day hasn't been successful in making me feel fulfilled enough to just let my body and mind rest in satisfaction. I am definitely doing something wrong here. However, during this time, I stumbled upon a world in this virtual space I escape to, which reminded me of the mistake I made with one specific individual. For the first time in a long time, I was hyperventilating and overwhelmed, but the tendency to depersonalize took me out of it as fast as I went into that spiral of sudden yet vague emotions. We fought that day, my partner and I, not because I was in distress, but the emptiness felt larger with the negative emotions we were sharing that night. I still need to do better as a person and as a partner.
While I was still writing this, the day is here, the day that my unreliable memory tells me I will find out if the biggest event in my life has already ended on a full stop two months ago or not. I have yet again tried to keep my thoughts about this at the back of my head for the longest time, only indulging in the butterflies I never told anyone about, not a vivid memory, but a mere remnant of what it was. I have finally put together what I had in mind and the confession I never made.
(I am sorry; the truth is, I opened the bar in hopes of feeling important and making sense of what I’ve been through, to be the person I needed: a random person with a pair of listening ears and an understanding mind, in hopes of a valuable friendship coming to be in the endeavor. Much kindness and time was spent, and you were no different from my other guests, but instead of taking what was provided and leaving, you looked into my eyes and questioned my intentions while holding on to it very tightly. You were like a child who needed so much love that I was more than willing to provide; however, I didn’t intend to let you into my safe space.
I have come to realize and finally internalized how much we were avoiding molding each other into an existence we desired. I will have to apologize again as I also realized, if I had pushed past my discomfort and continued to actively communicate my thoughts and insecurities, you would have understood me. Quite the irony that I have to realize that in this relationship. I also came to a theory of why we fell for each other so quickly. I was putting effort into loving correctly, longing for the most genuine love. From my perspective, you gave the most genuine love I have ever received and were in need of the right way to love you. Maybe it was both of us, or maybe it was just me, but there was anticipation for this connection to fall apart as my mind stopped me from manipulating you, who are still so young, into liking someone who is still unsure if he even likes himself. So I avoided voluntary connections, never realizing the involuntary connections that were made were enough to create a scar, visible to those who listen to my words and stare into my thoughts. I will completely understand if you never come back as promised, as you and I both know we fear obligated interactions, especially between us. Perhaps now, it is more so for me than it is for you. We never even specified when and how we will speak again, but maybe that’s something that should no longer be decided by me. And for a person who overcomes his fear through control, maybe this impulse to be the one in control of everything is another desire I shall have to let go of as soon as possible, and as genuinely as possible.)
After finishing this, just a few moments later, I realized another likely possibility of one last goodbye. My mind is now numb again; I must mentally prepare for this one too, as a chill ran into my beating heart, forming a shard of frozen ice. How long has it been since I felt this…
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