Picking up the pieces(Completed)

 I must begin bringing a notebook to capture my flickering thoughts, which tend to escape before I could capture them.

Recently I started listening to the playlist made for me and I recall how foolishly I responded when they asked my opinion. They urged me to share my thoughts after a few days of evaluation. Desperate to escape my pain, I rushed through it then and there, just to be done. Now, somehow, I found myself enjoying them as I thought about them, contradicting my statement made in my last entry. Less agitated, I savor the songs as they are, feeling the melodies and reading the lyrics with newfound patience. I realized that I might have overlooked something vital. The playlist seems to be composed and arranged, I could be wrong but...it felt like a description, perhaps, of their mental state and how they were feeling when we were still talking, the unease, the strands of anxiousness woven into their frail mental state. With the last song...that sounded almost like a self-monologue urging themselves to let me go.  Did I trample an opportunity to offer the closure they needed? The irony stings...wondering how they felt while I’m now with someone else.

    During the confession from my current partner, I recalled that emotion you once described to me, the desire to dig out everything inside the person you fall for. I felt a similar urge, which is less intense but real—an impulse to reach into their chest, grasp their heart, feel its rhythm, measure its warmth and know whom it beats for. Digging deeper, I saw it was fear, the thought that if I pour all of myself into them, will they cherish it or cast it aside?

 (Personal message: I am sorry that I wasn't expressive enough to ease your doubts. I am sorry that I let my fear of embarrassment prohibit me from letting you know that my mind was occupied with endless yearn for you during your absence.  I was too shy to speak with the warmth and clarity you did, too unpoetic to share my mind and soul.)

I spoke with my best friend recently and recalled a line I heard somewhere about true love: it sometimes manifests in the form of a belief that you will never be worthy of them, as while you cast shadow on the ground, their existence in your heart outshined any flaws they may objectively have, and no mortal can truly believe they are worthy of such radiance.

 I hold nothing but gratitude for their existence. For the first time, I remember love, with realization coming after letting it go. True as it may be, had we united then, it might not have lasted, or perhaps it never would but...oh, how beautiful it could have been if it did. These past days, I’ve played that playlist, wrestling with regrets and the possibilities. Yesterday, I made peace with it. Perhaps the purpose of these lingering feelings were to let me wonder. Just to wonder what might have been if we tried. Though fear played a part, I believe I made the right choice.( I hope I didn't fuck it up again like last time, as I don't know if Spotify is just messing with me and you didn't just change the picture on your playlist that you gave me as I began listening to it frequently. I hope it didn't notify you of my activities. I hope it was me who misclicked and unfollowed you on Spotify, I hope I didn't disturb your peace again... I probably did, didn't I? Google result: you shouldn't be notified)

I’ve discovered something about myself: I need to choose the right moment to voice my worries, which I should have realized a long time ago. I always thought speaking every fleeting emotion, phrased carefully, was the right action to take. While suppressing these thoughts must never be an alternative... I have realized that there are smarter ways to convey it. That's something I will be working on these days, perhaps.

That's all the updates for now. May I internalize all of these experiences into my life whether they return or not, may I grow and be a better me as I continue to jot down these scattered thoughts. My mental state feels fragile, with more changes looming that may shift how I see the world.