The start of a small journey(Completed)

 

  Hey~ I'm here again. It took me a while to finally write this. I was going to title this letter as "A Karma I Needed," but now I have decided to rename to this, as my first step to my journal.

Everything hurts tonight. It’s 5 AM, technically morning, but my worries are consuming me. Little has changed since our last messages, and your last reply to your email has weighed heavily on me. I now understand why you preferred calls and hear a very stern tone when you read my messages. Perhaps you feared unprecedented hatred or expected it, at the very least, it was for me. I too, worried our conversations were pretentious or obligatory. Thanks to my current partner, I was finally able to understand the need to dig through our past for closure, to realize you did your best while I didn’t. The desire to ask for full disclosure until all that has happened makes sense. Despite my ego, I could have done better. I could have spoken about my insecurities, which you’d have understood, without fearing you’d leave. You were as unsure as I was, but I took the easy way out. I’m sorry.

I am sorry that I never wrote anything for you after that.

I am sorry I took your trust and ensured its safety, only to let it go because I didn't feel the weight and the need for me to holding it.

I’m sorry I was stubborn, hoping you’d fix my flaws instead of me stepping up to hold you in my arms.

I’m sorry I wasn’t good at writing or speaking my mind, which would have saved what we had. Even if it stings.

I’m sorry I couldn’t express how important you were and how much peace you brought with your presence.

I am sorry that I never gave your taste in music a wholehearted chance, but I do believe I still wouldn’t enjoy it either way. XD

I am sorry my birthday email was hollow and contained very little thought, it probably sounded unfamiliar and cold. Unrefined and unedited. However, I was trying to turn my feelings into something bittersweet and that email was the best I could have done without hurting myself.

I’m sorry it took so long to write this, even if you never see it. I hope you do, for all the right and wrong reasons.

You were the greatest event in my life. You reshaped me little, yet left a vivid scar, slipping uninvited into my safe space. Our memories, like all I hold, crumble into fragments, never sharp enough to draw tears. However, the fact that every slightest echo of our talks continues to freeze my heart with sorrow, signified their importance to this day still. My mind no longer prepares a seat in your name, yet your smiles still linger in my personal haven. My dreams continue to whisper your name recently, my guilt towards my partner grows gradually for it. An unexpected event shifted this letter’s title from what I first intended. Now, I see how deeply I need to thank you for loving me in the best way only you could.

Thank you for a love I could never doubt.

Thank you for cherishing me, though I was ordinary, with nothing to boast.

Thank you for listening patiently, letting me finish even when you itched to interrupt.

Thank you for enduring my circling words, allowing me to prove their worth to me.

Thank you for always notifying me of your departure in the beginning, and trusted that I would question your absence eagerly if I had any doubts in mind.

Thank you for boasting of me, revealing and articulating the amount of joy I sparked, I never told you how much happiness you brought me every time you did that.

Thank you for revealing all of what defines you and craving my presence, despite my unappealing frame.

Thank you for a love so sincere I could name it, see it, believe it—a love I’d only dreamed of, one I fear comes but once in a lifetime.

Yet, as much as I was thankful, I was filled with fear. Since you saw me interacting with my current partner, I have always been dreadfully afraid that you’d uncover my flaws—unlovable, weak, broken, malicious, unreliable, dull, heartless. I could feel my heart stopping every time I realized you'd grow and mature, till one day you deem this bond, if built, to be a mistake. My faltering memory and tendency to detach made me question how much I cared for you, for anyone. But you showed me I was wrong.

Even now, I need to revisit the email you sent me to recall the words and questions the should never be voiced, as it is not the right. So if you ever see the following sentences, then perhaps we are both foolish.

As you have spent more time on VRChat and making more friends, how plain do I look to you now? A question that will continue to uttered if my mind could speak.

Your Japanese friend removed me after you said we’d stopped talking—I must have misremembered her name.

Recently, I noticed Blattie and Mashu vanished from my VR Friend List. It's either I erred again, or it's tied to what happened between us. However, the relevance of these thoughts was insignificant, comparing to my fear that they despise me to speak ill of me to you that, changing your perception of me, paint me into monster you will never want to see again. I brace myself not to hope for your return in April—or worse, a return born from obligation and interactions devoid of warmth. This dread festers, eroding me very slowly.

I hope you passed your test and are enjoying your time in Japan. I enjoyed mine, I made a vlog of it. During the trip, every pause, every scenery, every bit of joy I felt, I am not proud of how all that I experienced were enhanced by the thought of your delight when you are here too. Still, I too, now dream of moving there someday.

I am almost caught up with Tongari Boushi and started reading a bit of Houseki no Kuni. As much as I am anxious about our reconnection, I still aim to finish both by then. The Gems are rather difficult to identify in the manga through visual information alone, thus, I might start making notes on characters soon. Something I have never done before.

My heart races when I think of you, but fear, guilt, and pride swiftly quell it, letting me focus and be sincere with her, though it stings for now. I never shared the details on the “hiccup” I mentioned in the birthday email in order to stay honest. It was the real reason why I’ve been unwell—not, as you misunderstood, from self-loathing. I learned her obsessive roommate, who turned out to be her partner at the time, had found out about her infidelity. I trusted her claim he felt nothing romantic despite all he told me about their years of life together, until he contacted me with proof, weeks after their breakup. Weeks later, he shared evidence of her very recent intimacy with him hidden from me, undeniable. The “hiccup” I mentioned was about the event when she moved out initially, when my decision was to trust her claim, which ended up being a lie. In pain, I acted cruelly, orchestrated a traumatic but educational event for her, not only as revenge, but also to foster her hatred towards me. There was also hope, to see if she’d accept my darkest side after I saw hers, to provide me with enough reason to give it one last chance. (The picture is me on call doing that while accidentally taking a photo) It failed, in all ways. That’s when I understood your need to piece together our past, to make sense of it all. Now, we treat each other kindly, though I fear another betrayal given the amount of sincerity I still share. Her fault wasn’t hers alone; she saw my struggle to see you as a friend. I shouldn’t have let her witness that. At the time, I hoped that my transparency would put her mind at ease by seeing how much more her presence means to me. That wasn’t right, she shouldn’t have seen any of it. I hope, with joint efforts, we’ll reach a day when I no longer brace for her to repeat her ex’s fate with me.

Work has become more eventful, and I was given more responsibility very suddenly, which I am still getting used to, but like all new responsibilities, I am failing terribly and I am trying to do better, however it has been taxing, and it makes me hate my bad short-term memory and lack of focus even more than ever before.

Work has grown chaotic, with sudden responsibilities I’m failing to manage. My poor memory and focus worsen my frustration. Everything piles on, leaving me feeling worthless, but I’ll likely shake this off in days and feel joy again. If not, I’ll reach out to you.

As you can see, the existence of this public journal is a giant crack in my sincerity, thus the reason I didn't write it then. And that is why I shall leave it here, I leave it here, so even if you never see it, others might glimpse the pain of letting fear rule, of not letting things unfold as they should. Never lie, hide, fear, run, or surrender, and never cling to temporary bliss. If you ever read this, it would be nice as much as it is displeasing, that you would laugh at me for my mistakes and misfortune, without guilt, even if you take joy in my stumbles after hurting you. If your “clean cut” that was mentioned renders this foolish, I will just take the big fat L on my forehead and move on. Either way, I’ll continue to write more, hoping these words and regrets find purpose someday.

P.S.: I saw you fairly recently before this post in the bar instance talking to Phoenix, and I told him we were just not talking till April for some personal reasons after he questioned my reason to ask him how you seemed to be; were you well and such. I, however, did leave in a panic as I opened Menu to look at the nameplate of a non-friend, whose avatar has been manually turned on, as I do that with people who I interacted with but not friended. I am sure then and even now, I was more afraid of ruining your peace again, like that birthday message and sharing of photos, than the cold treatment I might receive if I interacted or even took a glimpse of you.

One stupid rabbit who wishes to be a Moon